Posted on by barrebarrebella · 1 Comment

Not Censored! A More Focused Explanation of Removing Destructive People From Your Life and Why You Should

I try to keep this blog family-friendly, so I feel a bit off publishing this. If you are offended by foul (albeit non-blasphemous) language, please do not continue reading.

Now that the disclaimer is handled, let me explain a few things about my current mindset: the people who try to disrupt your progress in any facet of your life are monumental douchewagons towing douche canoes loaded with bullshit from a man who claimed said cargo was cleanser for porcine creatures. Got it?

Really? I don’t know that you do.

List your goals. Set aside time to work out, read, make jewelry, plan meals, cook, knit, write, blog, clean, devotional, practice an instrument, et c. YOUR goals. Check them daily with the rest of your schedule. Work on what you need to work on and treat it like a job. Schedule these things around soccer games, work, Scouts, church, volunteer events, et c.

Now when a friend or family member asks for help that is sincerely needed, we all know that everything else flies out the window. Still, keep three things per day that lead you to your goals. They can be quick. They can be barely done. But keep three things going toward your goals and still check said goals every day. Check your calendar every day. Refer to your list that updates as you make progress.

The toxic folks I mentioned in the last blog? Some of us attract more of those than others. Whether we attract them because we are kind or somehow vulnerable or because we’re also toxic people is really immaterial to this point, however. Limit the time you give the massive timesucks in your life. Limit it to nothing for these drains. These vampires of the waking hours. The needy fucks who always need you to drop everything and be there for them and never can manage to do anything for you. (Not family members or friends who are going through a temporary rough time. Again, we all know to drop everything and help those we love or even strangers in need, with the above caveat regarding three things.)

They not only drain your days of the possible productivity but they also wear away at your resolve by making you fall behind. I’m telling you that you need to cut ties with them right the fuck now. These folks are manipulative and perpetually victims. These are not your victims, though. These adults are the people who call you at 3:00 am for a sober driver to take them home when it would mean waking the baby to go get them, then these adults whine or get angry when you refuse. These are the users who get you to plan a baby shower they are expected to plan for someone you barely know. Do not be user friendly. Ignore the call, do not open the text, hide from them when you’re on Facebook or Instagram. These folks don’t need you, they need conflict and require a few personal assistants. (Really they need therapy. That’s right, they need help. Unless you’re a therapist or psychiatrist, that is not you.)

Do you know what you don’t need? Conflict. I don’t call it drama because I’ll not elevate it to an art form. Let’s refer to it by the negative terms meant for it: conflict instigation, shit-stirring, trouble-making, fight-starting, self righteous martyrdom, feigning victimization, self-destructive sowers of chaos, and toxin-spreaders. (Add in narcissists, gaslighters, and crazy-makers if you are dealing with those. Contrary to the popular belief of the moment, we are not all dealing with those folks.) You cannot fix these leaches, these destroyers of peace. You can walk the Hell away, though. You can ignore their attempts at draining the sands from your hourglass. You can say “no, I’m busy then/now.” You don’t have to explain why.

You never owe people an explanation as to why you are doing something productive — even if it is for yourself. Telling these people your reason or your plans gives them information they will use to “debate” your reasons. They will belittle your choices and/or mock why this is important to you or required right this minute. It does not matter at all that you put this off until the last minute or just have not gotten around to it for months. Your procrastination before does not lessen the priority you now give a chore, errand, or project. (“I don’t know why it is so important all of the sudden; you’ve had that kit in the basement for three decades.” SO WHAT? It should wait longer because it has waited? Or it should wait longer because your friend here thinks that he or she and his or her whims are always to be your priority? Nope. Not how it works anymore.) Avoid getting sucked into the turmoil and wasted time arguing with these selfish pricks. Just say you’re busy. Don’t explain yourself. Do not give these twits the appearance of authority to “approve” how you spend your time or the chance to try to undermine you.

You know how you want to have proof before you cut someone out of your life? You don’t need proof. You just need to feel like this person does not edify you. At the beginning, middle, and anywhere into your fitness journey (or life, generally), that which does not edify you (build you up) tears you down. You don’t need any more obstacles in your way than already exist. So move on without these naysayers. Either they shape up and can come back into your life or you need to avoid them. You don’t need justification. You don’t need irrefutable evidence. This is not a court. (And these timesucks are not the judges of what is a good reason to cut them out of your life.) You just need to do what is best for the people in your bubble, which includes you.

You don’t need approval or consent of the user. You get to make that decision. You have that power.

I say this all the time since I first thought of it six years ago: “bad enough is bad enough.” It works in so many contexts.  We don’t need to exaggerate things to make the testimonial better, we don’t need to wait for that big fight or the final stab in the back. We can decide that this is bad enough and be done with these ass hats. So don’t wait for it to get worse. Don’t tolerate one more day of non-supportive or destructive or emotionally/financially/time-draining fuckwittery. Be done now and keep building your life. Trust me, those folks can self-destruct just fine without you.

Now go do jump squats, push-ups, and Burpees and 45 seconds of plank.

Posted on by barrebarrebella · 1 Comment

Weight Loss Products and Other Toxins

I might step on some toes here, but this needs saying:

 

There are no magic pills. There are no miracle creams. That fad diet? It is just that: a fad. A fleeting, popular concept that will not last. The results will not last, either. I promise.

Check out the notice sent out by Patrick Morrisey, the West Virginia State Attorney General:

https://t.co/MtEtnbNlAd

 

Why? Because consumers get scammed by these products. Will a wrap take inches off your waist for a short period of time? Yes, but you’re still unhealthy. Will these pills rev up your metabolism? Yes. So will caffeine, cocaine, methamphetamine, and HIIT. Pick two of these that are healthy instead. (NOT the cocaine or methamphetamine, people!) Will these pre-made shakes make you lose weight? Yup, so will eating healthy foods. So will running. So will paying attention to what you put into your body. Yes, vitamins are good. Minerals are good. Pre and probiotics are good, but they cannot replace appropriate nutrition and exercise.

 

Yet people are more apt to throw money away for a shortcut that lacks the benefits of exercise and eating healthy foods. It’s childish. You want this, but you refuse to do Y to get it. This is how the body works: you get stronger and build endurance by exercising, which burns off the excess fat. You eat food to nourish you and you don’t need to eat crazy combinations of foods or make shakes to replace foods. For real. If you don’t make changes to how you’re living, then the magic shakes, the magic beans, the miracle creams? They don’t work.

 

One of the stupidest things anyone has ever said to me is, “You don’t need to go to the gym, you look great.” WHAT?!!! I never know where to start with this, but here goes:

  1. I work out (in a gym or elsewhere) to be healthy, so my looks have nothing to do with that.
  2. I look this way because I work on it, but achieving this look (not everyone wants to look like this and we all have different ideals and limitations on what we can manage to achieve, so trust me, I am not bragging) REQUIRES maintenance.
  3. I am not yet where I want to be. So I need to get to the gym or run or lift at home or dance or practice yoga to achieve that.

Although the statement was made, in part, to be kind and complimentary, it stung. The other person is invariably annoyed that I am not working time into my schedule for him or her when I have things that need doing. Is that bad? A little. Selfish? Somewhat. But let’s be honest: There are times when we need to refuse to make plans at certain times for our kids, work, and working out. Meal planning, too.

 

I can already hear the scoff: “You have to make your dinners for the week? Really? Is that all our friendship means to you? Can’t you do that later?” Or, for the more toxic: “If you ever want to hang out with me, I’ll be sorting my laundry or canning foods and I won’t have time for you!” Toxic. Yes, I wrote it. When one is busy, the schedule is the polar star, the structure that keeps the mountain from falling down on us, the bridge across the abyss, the be-all, end-all. So, yes, those who scoff at your attempts to take care of yourself and your family and who try to send your world careening out of orbit are toxic or just totally oblivious. If oblivious, educate them. If toxic, walk away. If toxic but still fun, schedule a time that works for you. (Hey, even the most manipulative folks are witty and great fun in small doses.)

If you have enough notice, this is not a problem. But it is the “come out with us tomorrow,” or the “Tuesday Night Trivia! Are you in?!” suggestions when you have a yoga class booked for Tuesdays that are the basis for the problems I noted. The “April’s birthday is May 10th, so can you be there?” request can and probably should be accommodated (as long as you know who April is). But the last minute, non-emergency, let’s get together activities are fine to schedule for more convenient times.

Look at your planner for the week. When do you have time to get in all your workouts? When do you have time to go over homework? When do you have time to cook? Who else in your family needs you for what time? Can you fit in all of these things and still fit in an unscheduled get-together? If yes, then go out. If not, then do what you set out to do. Always offer when you are free as an alternative.

Furthermore, if you are reading this and you have said these things to someone else, I hope you are oblivious because continually saying to someone, “you can do that any time” or “you always say you need to do that” should make you want to re-evaluate your own behavior or how you deal with this friend or family member. When I hear, “I have X to do,” I do not question it anymore. Why? Because this person has her or his priorities in place. I will never say, ‘you’re really going to clean your bathroom over watching old musicals with ME?!’ Instead, I think, ‘good for you. I know your time is limited. We’ll set something up for _____. I should schedule a time to clean my bathroom, too.’

I used to say these same things, until I became irritated with someone questioning my having to prepare resumes to get out of the table-waiting job I was working so that I could get a job as a lawyer (I may as well use one of my degrees, right?), which was important to me. I fixed this and I hope you can educate your friends to see this as folly, too.

But the weight loss gimmicks? Don’t waste your money. Make the changes to eating real foods that you fix and exercising to increase muscle and lose fat. Make those permanent changes. Leave the toxic people and the scams to their own devices.